Malignancy

No disease that I've seen so far has hit me as hard as cancer during my time at this new hospital.

Today is the day I saw the worst case I've ever seen.  I spent roughly two hours with the family before the MRI came in, diligently taking notes on drug reactions, past surgeries, where I found abnormalities on physical exam, places that were tender to palpation, the smallest of details in the social history, the time frame of the patient's in weeks, the medicines that worked best, the names of past doctors and surgeons.

Two hours making sure I didn't interrupt the family, and apologizing when I did.  Two hours seeing people struggle, two hours doing my best to be someone in reach, a good listener.

I then saw the MRI hours later and I can't forget it still.  I saw it in my mind over and over throughout the day.

It literally was giant, invasive, extending, infiltrating.  I don't even want to imagine its mass in kilogrammes, but it haunts me.

It haunts me because of what it has done to the patient and the family.  I felt sad earlier in the day, for quite a while.  I'm pretty sure it showed in my face throughout the day, and then I wore my understanding, confident, warm face when I would run into the family.

"Actively dying" is a phrase that entered my world the first week at this hospital.  I'll never forget it, it encompasses so much.

I struggle seeing people in such a condition, though it's nothing compared to what the patient and family feel.

At the same time, you have some distance because it's not your family, or someone you're close to, so you feel like you're able to breathe a little more and remain at a some distance from emotions.

We don't live forever, and I know that.  I just wish we didn't have to suffer and see others suffer.

But then, we have to be strong, for ourselves and others.

Today, some of the family members said "He's very good," when the other team members came in, and all I really did was take notes and listen.  Listening makes a difference and can make people going through a hard time feel more comfortable, it may seem like a subtle form of support but people really appreciate it.

It's my duty to be strong tomorrow, to be confident and be a guide and listener.