I got a new dog, sort of in a random way.  She is this sweet, ragged little dog.  I used one of my personal days and met this little dog I wanted to adopt for a while.  I trimmed her nails and wild bits of fur around her face and ears myself and made her look like a proper educated lady.  I'll cradle her in my arms and sing to her to entertain her, and she seems to enjoy it.  She's almost like a little doll I guess, you can pick her up and set her down on a pillow or a part of your bed and she'll be happy there.  She loves to run around.  We both look like life has been hard to us, but more so this little creature. 

I'm no less tired than I've ever been.  And even more anxious than ever, which is weird.  I feel sad again as well.  I don't even look forward to things like days off anymore. It just seems like "oh great, two days off.  I'll just be back at work anyway." I don't feel like I'm sad at the same depths as before, though.  I felt like I used to be in the dark and the cold at the bottom of the sea.  I think I can see the sunlight coming through the water now.  I think I can make it to the surface some day. 

I feel like the only major thing making me feel better is progressing through residency.  If medicine were like a permanent state of residency, I truly would leave medicine and pursue something else.  And try to find a way to pay off my debt.

My life is a cycle of stress at work, disturbed sleep, and not really being able to fully take good care of myself no matter how hard I try.  I noticed a tremor the other day when I was eating, my fork was nearly rattling and it felt embarrassing.

I wish there were people at work I could just sit with and open up about my day or things I find challenging without being judged or talked about.

Another thing I find really weird is now techs and nurses can be really disrespectful to residents but absolutely fawn over the attendings. It's like they have something to take out on residents for unclear reasons and we're safe targets because we don't have much permanence or authority.  I've had complete strangers say some awful things with no merit to me that I just let bead off of me. I get that some people like to think they're edgy, clever, and sarcastic but it's really just annoying.  I think the biggest insult to them is not acknowledging them and I take pleasure I that, just doing my work and letting them wither by not giving them attention.

Lately I haven't had a life outside of work  and the moments I can talk to my dog and kiss her on the head before I go to work are the only really nice aspects of my life.  I have so much to be grateful for, before anyone says anything and I've really gone through some awful times in my life.  I'm happy to have a decent place I'm renting and I love being on rotations where water is easy to access. .

I wonder how long this restlessness and anxiety will last. I know I will be sad but I think it'll become less and less, it only seems logical.