I've been too tired to write lately. It's days like today that make me realize I'm so far behind on rest.
I have a lot of days when I'm so tired my body and eyelids are so heavy and I'm so exhausted while my heart races.
More cold sweat everyday. I have less days off than I requested but I'll take anything. Lately it feels like I'm running a marathon and losing energy and slowing down to the point I'll stop.
I got asked if I was ok the other day, and looked in the mirror after that. The dark areas under my eyes almost look like bruising, it' kind of the worst I've ever seen myself. I've also been losing weight with today being the first day in about three months I've had breakfast.
Most of what I put in my body is just water and caffeinated drinks.
I feel like I'm entering a different phase of moods and perspective. I'm predominantly anxious now instead if mostly depressed. I'm also much less rested. I will take 2-3 hour naps often now, struggle to fall asleep, as wake up as if only my mind rested. I'm so tired I almost feel short of breath.
I almost feel like I'm some kind of walking sand sculpture, slowly losing particles and shrinking losing form.
I just have to get through this night of work and then get some rest. I definitely feel like I'm at a new level of exhaustion
Thinking of you today. I hope you are eating amazing food and laughing.
ReplyDeleteHi, I'm thinking about you. I don't know if you hear me, but you matter a lot to me. There is this book called Strength in Silence. I wonder if that is whst I do during procedures thst make me uncomfortable. I close my eyes, concentrate on my breathing and go somewhere else. I realized recently that I feel like you do in some ways. Lung patients find each other we form groups. Alphas, CF, IPF, IPH, and etc... You become very close to each other over the years. We help each other through, we teach each other, we hold each other's hands emotionally. I'm one of the lucky ones. I am listed, I have hope. Many friends have died. So many thay I very truly loved. I got listed Jan 9, 2017. Since then, I've found myself staying away. I need to be up, think positive, think of life - not death and pain; the endless suffering. One of my friends that I've known for 20 years, one of my best friends wrote me asking why I've kept to myself. He was denied tx. He said he's tired, he can't fight anymore and I get it. I get you. I cried with Phil, I've cried with you. I understand how hard it must be just always being around suffering, but superiors allowing their pain be taken out on residents or nurses. As I cried, I said similar words. That it hurts too much to care about people and watching their suffering, their deaths. I need to look for the light and believe I can get through this. Come with me and we can keep each other in the light. I'm here, just take my hand
ReplyDeleteLast night my husband and I watched Naked Gun again. So stupid, but it made me laugh. I don't know if you ever got into Tom Clancy, if so, they are going to start a series on Amazon prime. I went to PT today and it made me feel better. It gives me purpose and makes me stroger. Added benefit, my husband actually told me I'm getting a butt! Who knew! If I knew this year's ago, I would have been so happy. Oh, who am I kiddind, even at 54, I'm tickled to death
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, praying you're enjoying your time off
ReplyDeleteI hope you are doing okay--I keep checking the blog.
ReplyDeleteSmoothies like Phood (with almond or cashew milk if dairy is hard) may work to get some calories in since liquids are easier.
I just got back from PT, it made me feel amazing! Moving my muscles, getting stronger makes me feel invincible. I still think of you as a man my son's age. He's going to be 35 in March! Hahaha He was born on 3.14 at 0123. I'm not joking! I don't know if you believe in God, but I day for you. I look every day to see if you're okay. Some sign, anything. I reiterate, I'm here, I care, YOU MATTER to me. Think of me as an annoying Aunt who you roll your eyeballs at but you like her anyway! 😂😁🤣
ReplyDeleteThinking about you from Houston. Keep checking your blog frequently, because I'm worried about you, even though we are only one year apart in training (PGY4).
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of people who want things to be better for you and are here to help. Please feel free to contact me (or anyone else)... we promise to help.
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