Friday, July 13, 2018

I just need one day off to stay in bed and recover.  I can't believe how tired I am.  I've been going to work sick and barely getting through it. I can barely drive in the mornings before 5am. Going to be a long time before rest

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

I've been planning for the past few days to just change my mindset.  Especially if I am going to get through this.  I think the change has to come from within.  I've been too nervous to talk to people at work and I'm not sure if they could even change anything for me.

Lately, feeling so stressed and anxious that I throw up or feel like I can't breathe is overwhelming.  I don't want to continue like that.

My family already is saying they don't like what I have to go through and they don't like what residency is doing to me.  I don't like telling them what I go through because it hurts them seeing someone like me get hurt by the training process that doesn't need to be this way.

I remember reading some quote that being scared is the only time you can be brave.  I just don't know what to do.  I just have to force myself to not feel intimidated by people and events. 

Monday, July 9, 2018

I'm requesting a few days off.  I just feel like I can't breathe sometimes from the stress.  I wish things were different.  My days won't be granted this month but I'll be using them later to catch up on rest and just being away from things.  Things are difficult. 

I prepared myself to have a bad day and not really expect anything good anymore.  I'm clinically competent and very safe as a physician, but I'm talking about the environment I'm in.  I feel so worn down and that no one at work cares. I'm nervous about talking to them about how I feel because I don't want it to seem like I'm weak or maladaptive.  I just want this to be over. Thank you for reading and supporting me

Sunday, July 8, 2018

I keep losing my posts from technology problems.  I still have a lot of anxiety and am trying to keep it together.  Just got to get through

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

I keep losing my posts from problems with technology.   Please stay with me through this

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

This feels like the longest I've gone without writing.  In some good news I feel slightly less anxious about the 24h or longer call shifts.  I think I might just be becoming desensitized and numb.  I started just pretending I'm an automaton doing all the tasks I'm told and not valuing being treated like a colleague or person.  Just a gear in the machine. 

Something else I noticed is that I hardly think about my family anymore.  Mostly because I just never see them and it hurts missing them.

I wonder if things really will get better.