Recently I "confronted" someone who kind of ruined my outlook on my training for a few weeks and who is a constant source of anxiety.  "Confronted" is in quotes because I did the resident thing of approaching any conflict like a submissive dog.  I worked with them a year ago and still remember that particular had experience, but this one is more recent.

I was humiliated in front of a lot of people for being slow and awkward at a new procedure, it just set that person off I guess.  I basically told them I felt really stupid that one day and I think I pseudo apologized.

Then they said it wasn't really me and that it was a stressful day and I'm actually not and idiot, that I work very hard, and I've been making a lot progress.

It made me feel better.  I approached them because I kept asking myself how many more days would I be anxious and how many more days did I need to feel afraid. 

It was a big step for me.  Medicine is complicated and there are so many personality types in the field.  I feel brave for stepping forward and getting closure about that situation.  I just wouldn't want that to happen to anyone. Everyone has a story about a time they were humiliated, had things thrown at them, or were in tense situations with other doctors.

So much of being a resident though is "rolling with the punches," and the culture is that you just take all kinds of verbal abuse, long hours, and brutally frequent 24h calls without saying anything.  The solution is either to leave residency by quitting or graduating from it.  There are professionalism committees but I guess they're ineffective or no one reports because recently a scalpel was thrown, in 2018.

I've also seen a lot of not quite so ethical situations and I'm sort of scared to speak up.  There are all these powerful people who let it happen and go along with it though.  I'm not really significant and anything I say doesn't carry any weight.  I just wish some things didn't happen here.

Just so tired and trying to get some rest now