Is medicine the right career for me?

I'm writing to reflect on my own career decisions and what I knew and didn't know when I was considering a career in medicine.


What I Thought:
I thought that medicine was hard work (which it truly is).  I didn't know how hard it would be though.  I was thinking it'd be more manageable than it is and I thought the future sacrifice would be bearable and constantly fulfilling, leaving me always energized with high morale.  Working long hours without a day off for 2-3 weeks at a time every month is exhausting, especially when the work is stressful. As a med student your schedule is pretty nice and you have much more time off than you ever will as a resident or attending.  Medical school is basically an illusion.

I'm mostly buoyed by some slivers of remaining self-esteem and optimism and the feeling that I'm making a difference in the world.  I also survive by handling criticism well even though it's mostly condescending (a lot of people act like they were born knowing everything and having 50 years of experience).

A lot of us are idealistic when we consider a career in medicine and we're convinced that everyone respects doctors and that everyone truly masters every aspect in patient care on graduating from medical school.  Even to some extent in medical school we're also shielded from all the administrative burdens and having our hands tied because "treatment X is too expensive so use this cheaper, less effective method."

What I Experienced:

Almost intolerable amounts of stress from college to residency.  I never had panic attacks, I never dropped out of anything, but I did have a good deal of stress and anxiety.  Every chemistry exam in college, worrying about whether my GPA was high enough, to always feeling like I could've done something better in residency.  Since residency I've been in these situations that I've never been in before and my supervisors knew that.  So I would be guided by them but then be hit with "well why didn't you do X?"  And my thinking was "Because I didn't think it was safe and you weren't there to help me." That's kind of the worst criticism: when you're guided only partially in a new situation and then belittled because you couldn't gain 20 years of experience instantly or read minds and you did what you thought was safest (and it was) and it didn't injure anyone.

 And then there are times you ask questions about what to do because you're interested in the patient's safety and outcome but then you get criticized for asking questions and made to feel like you're an idiot when you're just a beginner.  Medicine is a very discouraging profession.  A lot of med students in particular think they know everything about patient care..until they start intern year, so a lot of my advice to them often gets ignored.  They think because they're familiar with some concepts that they don't need to pay attention to my advice about patient management or my pointers on various topics, and then they start intern year and are completely lost when it's their turn to make decisions.

 I'm also consistently tired.  My friends outside of medicine know me as someone who is just tired all the time and not always up to go out.  "Tired" is a personality trait for me and will be one until I retire.

I've seen belittling and bullying in medicine as well and have been belittled and criticized a lot myself, for all kinds of things.  I stopped asking questions as a medical student because while asking questions demonstrates interest and curiosity, it apparently also means you're an incompetent idiot for not knowing as much medicine as someone who graduated residency 10 years ago.  At least that's how I've been treated.  I almost felt like I was perceived as "smarter" for not asking questions on rounds or questions about patient management (none of my questions were first order, but rather more thought-out questions on patient care).  It erodes whatever morale and self-esteem you might have.

Then you grind through a few years and finish with medical training and life supposedly gets better.

too tired to continue writing