Residency Blues - Burnout, anxiety, unhappiness

I only have a few minutes to write but I feel like I have so much to get out.

I'm not sure if it's just being a "beginner" in residency mainly or factors like being on call twice a week almost every week and being away from family and loved ones so much with little time to study that is starting to make me feel a little depressed and not very satisfied with what I'm doing.

It sounds crazy, not being satisfied as a doctor who saves lives and takes care of patients.  On a daily basis there are times when I think what I do is pretty awesome, I feel empowered at times.  Other times I'm exhausted by my work hours, I struggle to make my loved ones feel loved because I'm too tired or have to study, I struggle having enough energy and focus after work to study, and I have so many evaluations to do, work hours to log, cases to log, and emails to respond to.  Also how "good" a day or call I have is determined by my attending as well as senior resident.  There are times I have anxiety because I know what my work day will be like because one of those people might be very mean, condescending, stress-inducing, and so on.  My self-esteem is really at the mercy of those people even though I try very hard to be resilient.

Sometimes I wonder if everything psychologically is starting to manifest physically with nausea, feeling excessively tired on my rare day off, and a general feeling of malaise and true lack of excitement when I get ready for work.

Sometimes I think I should've chosen another field in medicine.

The way I'm coping with things is really just keeping it inside and writing in this blog.  Which is not optimal but I don't really want to get anyone of my loved ones down and I don't want to seem like a "problem resident" among my peers or faculty.  I really need this job.

Another way I'm coping with residency is my goal of moving to somewhere nice after I graduate, and looking forward to having more control over my own schedule.  Having said that, I plan on going into private practice since it seems like I'll have more control over my schedule.  What I am nervous about is the private practice environment.  But who knows, I'm sure I'll learn more from contacts in different cities.

I'm not really religious so I don't have that going for me as a coping mechanism, nor do I think I'm a special chosen one who is amazing all the time and should be worshiped by everyone one.