The Hands I Hold

I shake hands a lot with the patients and family members I meet.  I think it's a part of being formal, but it can mean a lot to some people.

Today I held the hand of a patient before I left.  I intended to just shake their hand, but they held onto my hand because the patient seemed to be in terrible pain and wanted some kind of connection to a human being.  I'm very sad for this patient, it makes my heart feel heavy when I think of their condition.

I feel like it was a nice, human gesture when you work all day in gloves, gowns, with scalpels, watching arteries spout blood then suddenly stop streaming with electrocautery.  I smell the human body cauterized on almost a daily basis, and the smell is always so new, I can't get used to it.  It's just a part of the training, though.  I find electrocautery fascinating though, just not the smell.

I feel that there are less sad moments in surgery because you're able to do much for your patient, but this patient has pre-existing conditions prior to admit and they're serious.

I got to spend more than 5 minutes with a patient and family today, it felt a little bit rejuvenating.  It works when you're able to connect with people, inform them, and laugh with them and share stories about common experiences with them.

So far I see myself as a surgeon, working and working a lot.  I'm alone and busy and try to find therapy in my work, but sometimes I feel weary and just want to go home and rest and reset my mind and spirit.

this is the rest of my life, but it will get better