Terminal Illness

All but two of the patients I have followed at this new hospital have had terminal diagnoses.

It's a different way to start your week to say the least.  I don't know how I manage to keep smiling and connecting with patients like this.  I think what I mean to say is that I'm surprised I haven't been drained yet.

I think I happen to gain energy from being aware I can help people feel somewhat less scared and more comfortable.  It's my magical ability, I guess, hah.

I can't help but feel sad inside and feel like I have my hands tied when there is a patient with a terminal illness who is beyond a cure.  It makes you feel trapped.  It's the feeling of seeing the wall at the end of a hallway when you just took a turn and though you would be able to continue walking through the building.

I wonder how the sadness I feel for terminal patients will ever change, if it'll be come less intense, less frequent, if I'll spend less amounts of time being sad per patient.

As of today I started being more aggressive about learning everything I can about my patient.   I'm learning to be more efficient, getting used to this new system, and freeing up more time to spend with the patient.

I'll be going with another patient for a procedure.  I feel excited about the opportunity to observe a real procedure, but there is an equivalent of a cloudy sky overhead, or a dense fog: the procedure is being done to rule out malignancy, so there is a lingering veil of uncertainty the patient, the family, the team and I feel.

I told the patient I'd be going with them and I think the patient and the family appreciated it.  I'm also getting along very well with my team, though I can't help but feel like I know so little compared to these super-intelligent doctors who have so much experience..  I'm taking more initiative and aggressively following the changes in medications, labs and imaging, and it makes me feel like I'm making progress and contributing more to the team.  I feel like it will set me up to better take care of patients in the future.

Wellness to everyone.