I feel like I've stepped out of rainy weather and into somewhere dry and quiet. At least for tonight, since I'm at home and things are quiet and calm. Also because most of my terminal patients have been discharged to go live out the rest of their days with people they love, speaking the language they dream in. I'm following a new end stage cancer patient, but I think the patient will be going home tomorrow.
Whenever my classmates and I all get together for large lecture, I get reminded of how I haven't really made deep friendships with many people. I guess because we have different interests in music, television, art, and have different personalities. I have a lot of friendships and acquaintances but not really ones where I consistently spend significant amounts of time with people outside of medicine. I'm not seeing anyone right now, nor married nor have children, which makes it difficult to relate with some classmates as well as coworkers.
I'm by myself a lot of the time, only really feeling surrounded by people when I'm working, and it goes on for several days. I don't get many texts, calls, or emails really, so it adds a little to that feeling. I don't feel sad or anything really, I keep busy and have so much to do. I like focusing on work and learning new things is therapeutic and enjoyable for me. I enjoy learning so much because I can apply what I learn to patients and new, interesting situations that will benefit my team or people I'm taking care of. It's good to feel like you have a purpose and are making a difference.
I spend a lot of my days working, then coming home to study, and just continuing to study and study. It's funny whenever I hear songs about relationships/love because I can't presently relate. I just think "that's cool." I wonder if part of it is just that I'm not one to make themselves the centre of attention, I'm really either too tired and just more of an introverted person. Sometimes I wonder if someone will take interest in me, but you can't really bet on other classmates/medical students to, because they're so busy with rotations and school, and medical students are actually more selfish and self-concerned than your average person out there.
Well, I feel better writing about that. My past entries have been very sad and reflective, but that's part of medicine and I'm also an expressive person. I also write a lot since a lot of my friends are too busy to carry on conversations. So having a dedicated method of expression does a lot of good.
sleep well, everyone.
I don't think I've commented before, but I am a regular reader and I really like your blog :-)
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this completely. To absolutely everything you wrote, about medical students, lack of understandment, love songs, alienation, and for me at least loneliness... It's, like, my real life, at least what they say it should be, has stopped. At the same time, if there was no med school, who knows if my life would be better, if i would have more friends, happier life? I don't think so. For now, even though at the moment it's particularly hard, I am continuing on my road of becoming a doctor, occasionally finding happiness in it, but deeply actually hoping/expecting for emotions, friends, love... to come later.
thanks! I'm happy my entries resonate with people out there.
ReplyDeleteI definitely know what you mean: our training is really consuming, regarding the daily time commitment, the pace of things, and the amount of energy it requires.
Work is therapeutic to me, I'm somewhat of a workaholic and have a drive to consistently accomplish things, but I know can't be 100% work forever.
Spending so much energy time on your patients and making them feel better is rewarding, but then I remember I need to spend time and energy on my friends and family as well.
Working in a field that rewards imbalance is difficult, but we're always making a difference in people's lives, and things will get better as we work our way up in our training!