Sick

I feel emotionally sick.  I feel unwell.  I feel dread, and feel too weak to face the rest of residency.  If I get through it, I feel like I'll just barely scrape by.

I'm almost always scared of just having a breakdown.  But since I've never really had one, I guess my chances are good to not have one.  I skipped dinner and don't really know when the next time I'll want to eat is going to be.  I just foresee one of those bad moods where I just don't want to put forth an effort for myself.

Just with what I've gone through these past years, I don't feel proud of myself.  Residency has damaged my sense of self-worth, and I'm someone who used to have a lot of will to persevere.  I'm not proud of being a doctor.  I have no joy in my work.  There's a mountain of loans behind me I'm paying off, living paycheck to paycheck. 

I guess years of being told you're not good enough and being made to feel inadequate are getting to me.

Medicine is an abusive world and I've heard of much worse situations than the one I'm in from other people.  The long hours, the low pay, the high stress, the anxiety of living up to expectations, getting torn down by people I work with over the course of years does nothing to help me.  There were times I thought it made me stronger, but it was just me swallowing poison and becoming slightly resistant to it.

My posts are probably hard to read.  They're probably fragmented and jump around from topic to topic.  That's just what happens with expressive writing, I guess.  I just wanted to talk about that briefly as I've been self-conscious about it almost daily.

For the person who a long time ago commented I'm brave for writing this blog, thank you.  I want to be like those people at work who just let everything bead off of them and at least outwardly look like they're unfazed and nothing bothers them and they're just so over everything. 

If anything, I just feel like those artists or musicians or whatever that are known for doing what they do, but just suffer deeply in a dark world they can't escape. 

I really want to be the person who says "Hey, accept me for the way I am.  I'm also sick of this place" and then no one bothers them.  I think that might be what I need to do to survive.  I think I need to say "You know what, I'm sick of being treated like this."  The only problem is I'd likely get disciplined and have my reputation damaged.  There are people I know who the attendings have problems with and you don't stop hearing about it.  But then they seem to be progressing through the program, so I guess it can't be that damaging. 

I guess you can be sad and allow yourself to be chipped away at until you become dust, or you can find something to make you stronger.  I think you might just have to meet the aggression you're unfairly given. 

But then I guess not, because I don't think that would realistically help anything or anyone.  It would just lead to the escalation of problems.  I guess you do have to just let yourself get chipped away at just wait until you have time to glue yourself back together. 

I guess I will be passive and try to repair myself when I can, and just find ways to be strong.  I feel alone in a storm.  I'm a doctor, but I feel like someone forgotten in a dark, rainy night, repeating things to myself to make me feel like I have something to hold onto or look forward to. 

I wish this darkness would pass.