ragged//alcohol

Feeling pretty worn out.  I had pretty bad anxiety these past few days.  I understand why, but it almost seems like I'm "over doing it," in the sense that the anxiety feels like it's out of proportion to what's happening. 

I also haven't been treated that great by others and I don't even know why.  I don't do anything wrong, but I guess there's just terrible personalities I'm around.  I'm training myself to not care and I feel like I have to reprogram myself as a person to really get through working with personalities that are needlessly critical and judgmental in people who do nothing to help you but everything to bring you down. 

I can't let people like that continue to drag me down and keep making me feel awful.  Whenever I reflect on a bad situation, I try to tell myself, "Well, at least you're not them."  And "Well, maybe that guy's just a ***** and that's what he's like to everyone."

It ties back to the theme of us young doctors in training putting in so much effort while dealing with a lot of stress and pressure just being spit on and treated like we're not worthy enough to be around these people who are specifically hired to train us and help us become better doctors. 

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On a side note I've stopped drinking alcohol. 

I was never much of a drinker until a few years ago. I drank socially and that was it.  Then I started drinking to facilitate relaxing, never to excess and never to blackout, though.  I never would get drunk daily or had drinking interfere with work or relationships. 

Drinking sort of became a hobby, though, and I noticed I developed a high tolerance.  There were times I felt too tired or too inconvenienced to leave my house and go get a drink and there were other times I had "cravings," but those were incredibly rare and only happened a few times a few years ago at the most recent, and I never overdid it.  I was a "moderate user" according to current NIH criteria. 

I stopped drinking hoping it can help me optimize my already irregular and not restful sleep cycle and also live a healthier lifestyle without the hepatotoxicity.    I also calculated how much I used to spend on drinks on average a month and it'll be nice to have a little bit of extra money in my pocket. 

I'm so tired and have so much work left to do.  Finishing residency seems so far away again as well.  I keep hoping I'll have the endurance to continue and maybe even excel, but I often feel like I'm just barely making it day to day.  Just have to keep believing.