Previous entry got deleted before I could post it.
Feeling pretty blue today. Wish there were something similar to coffee I could take that would just make me feel more excited about work. Even days I'm not on call feel long and lonely.
Finding it hard to be happy too. I've tried everything but antidepressants. I maybe just need to have more good conversations or find some activity that just fixes me. I don't drink anymore and I stopped smoking and I think I really understand why some people develop trouble with substance use.
I don't think substances are worth it. You really have to change your environment, but that isn't possible for many people, and it often takes more than a change of environment.
Almost every day feels like I wake up and take a dark staircase down into somewhere without light and then emerge for a while just to repeat it. I wish I could be like those happy energetic doctors who I used to know. Now there really aren't many of those in my life, maybe three at most.
I often wonder how I find the will to continue. I think I just get lost in a survival state for 24+ hours which then resets.
Sometimes I wish I could just be out in the wildness, starting my own campfires just being in nature, away from pressures and criticisms. I think I'd be alone but not lonely then.
Until then I just have to continue this cycle of survival states until I feel better or good changes come into my life.
I hope all the supportive readers and followers are still out there.
We're still here!
ReplyDeleteI've visited periodically to see if you've posted. It worries me for you and so many other postgrads that you struggle so much with the difficult environment.
ReplyDeleteIs there anything that does bring you light during the difficult days? Do patients (maybe unknowingly) participate in the abuse of younger docs?
Antidepressants could be a help until your body has enough support and rest to heal, though inform loved ones to watch with chances of increased symptoms; it can take a few tries to find the right one. What would you tell patients in the same situation?
Nature is extremely healing--not sure how long you get for weekends, but state parks or a weekend road trip if you're not too tired could be an option.
You are so strong. You have come so far. Look back through your journey and you'll see that you can do this. I can't even imagine what you've been through. Stay strong, you've got this
ReplyDeleteWe are! And also happy to see another post, was worried about you.
ReplyDeleteNo shame in trying antidepressants! Lexapro 10mg daily changed so much for me for the good... Not on it anymore, but definitely would get back on if needed. Maybe I shouldn't say this, but if part of the issue is having the time to go see someone to get a script... Maybe write a script for yourself for a couple months. Better than suffering, I think.
Take care of yourself...
Hey! Good to hear from you. I got to the point during residency where I felt kind of forced to start antidepressants. There are definitely pros and cons, but at least now I'm not constantly wishing for death and feeling such a heavy black cloud all around me. I'm more motivated now to do the things I enjoy. Although I probably do drink too much... Just remember there are lots of us out here thinking of you and concerned for you.
ReplyDeleteWereW still here! Praying things get better for you. Im sure you're an amazing doctor doing amazing things. Keep up the hard work!
ReplyDeleteYou ok, bro? :)
ReplyDeleteI wish I could hand you a latte.
ReplyDelete