the danger of apathy

I've been awake for about 19 hours so far.  For the past month I've felt exhausted, stressed, hungry, cold, weak, light-headed, dehydrated, and dizzy on a daily basis.

I feel like my life is owned and run by my medical training, and no matter how much I try, I can't muster the energy to spend quality time with my family or significant other.  What little energy I have left is spent studying.  The hours of my rotation aren't helped by the other medical students who constantly brag about how much they study and how easy the practice questions are to them.

I wake up a little after 4am everyday and the first thing I do is chew on caffeine gum and take a shower.  I have no appetite at this hour of the day.  My next thought is what time I'll be at the hospital.  I shoot for before 6am, and if I'm running a little late, I start thinking about how long each task of the morning will take me so I can have everything balance.  I see my patients.

From 4 am, the first time I'll drink water is probably 8am, just before rounds with the attending.  I'll have a small snack around that time too because I forgot my lunch in the refrigerator because I'm always in a hurry everyday.  I try maximizing my sleep, but it's hard because there's so much to study and so many expectations on a daily basis.

I've never felt like I've been worn this thin in my life.  Any spare time I have away from my rotation is spent on other extra things my school is asking me to do.

Tonight I felt like I was defeated.  I hit my limit.  I can't go on without sleep and without taking care of myself.

Medical training is hard.  It's draining.  It takes so much from you that you begin to feel apathetic, and you do things like get into arguments and misunderstandings with the people who matter the most to you.

In addition, some of the most demoralizing things in medicine is seeing mistakes happen and seeing patients get hurt.  I'm so thankful I've never hurt anyone, but there have been several instances over the past few months when I've heard stories of patient mismanagement and patient suffering.

I saw one instance first-hand and I can't get it out of my mind.   I'm still upset by it, and I think it definitely is one of the things that has me feeling so awful.

Medical training is a time when so many awful things tend to happen at once.  I've had this entire month happen to me, along with a death in the family.

There's no pause button, there's no just requesting time off because it'll look like you're lazy and not interested.

When you start medical school, you sacrifice more and more of yourself with each passing day.  It can lead to apathy, and strain between you and the people you love the most.  Do your best to grow your relationships.  During your training you'll need patience and the forgiveness of others.