It's been a long few months, but I finished my surgery rotation. I pushed by body to the limits on a daily basis, and only made it as "comfortably" through it as I could because of my body's physiological reserve.
You spend so much time of the day hungry, volume-depleted, and sleep-deprived, that at times, you don't know which need of yours requires the most attention.
However, surgery is what I see myself doing for the rest of my life. I'd rather be operating and working towards a goal on several cases though the day, than doing histories and physicals and adjusting and titrating doses every single day.
On my surgery rotation I was able to be first-assist on pediatric surgery cases, close stab wounds, close wounds from amputations, take trauma call, do various incisions and drains, close a neck wound, use electrocautery and also steel scalpels.
The way I feel right now is like a mountainside having been pounded by artillery with the smoke finally clearing. Surgery is intense and demanding, but rewarding. And the surgeons I've worked with were very personable, inspiring team leaders.
My social life was pretty much on hold during these hard surgery months and I hope things get a little better. So far, every attempt at pursuing something with a girl has failed, and I've really wasted my time. It was time I could've used to learn more anatomy and patient management. Sometimes life's just a big whatever though. I wish people would just tell you directly they're not interested instead of playing games with you. People are so tiring and I really doubt I'd be happy carrying on or even pursuing a relationship in medical school, and maybe even as a doctor.
I probably seem bitter, tired, and jaded, and you have all the reason to think that. Being a medical student is tiring, especially on rotations, burn out is high because you put in so many hours but are so limited in what you're allowed to do, the hospitals still run without your help, and you spend a lot of your time doing menial tasks for your superiors, and you're always the lowest rank.
Regarding physical demands, even on my surgery rotation, I would go to sleep at 11:40pm and wake up at 4:10 the next morning, so I could read as much as I could and learn as much as I could. I physically struggled through my surgery rotation, but I got over it. Two specific times I thought I was going to have a syncopal episode, but apparently that didn't happen. I'm surprised.
Like everyone, I long for meaning in my life, good company, purpose. I wish I had someone fun to spend my time with, someone I mattered a lot to and who was excited to talk to me and see me.
I'm so tired. I got the weekend off last week but I had worked for 42 hours straight during those 5 days. I feel pummelled. I think I'm going to sleep for as many hours as I can tonight, and forget about my fruitless attempts at trying to be less lonely.
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