I was making coffee just now (it's 953pm) and this girl I know crossed my mind, someone I'd hang out with and have been interested in for a long time. I've pretty much given up on pursuing anything with her, and feel rather defeated about relationships in general.
Everyone around me is starting new relationships, or getting engaged or married and I'm constantly socially unfulfilled. I coin "social unfulfillment" because I realized that's what I have. I'm not burned out on medical school, but just lack the friendships and the meaning and significance you get out from that.
So it's 10pm, and I'm reading because that's what I do. I'd write music, sketch a picture, but there are exams and people in the medical field I need to impress.
At least I'm not as sad as I was during my heme/onc rotation, where patients clung to life with awful Karnofsky/ECOG scores and all I could do was think about how unfair life was for them, driving home with clouds eclipsing the sunlight in my heart.
Some fulfillment would be nice, I just need to be done with medical school, or at least the battery of high-stakes exams. In the meantime, I just have to go out and search for this fulfillment.
here's some music. the video's one of the more artistic ones.
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