Insomnia:I've had trouble falling asleep for a pretty long time now, so it's nothing really new. I'm enjoying my vacation so much and sort of looking forward to the next academic year with some mix of reluctance and excitement. I'm excited to continue my medical education but also sort of feel like I'll be more and more consumed by responsibility, high standards, and expectation of things to know.
Productivity:The thing is, those don't bother me. I've done two month periods with less than 5 hours of sleep a night 7 days a week and fit the workaholic role pretty well. What does bother me is just coming to grips with this whole life-takeover medicine has. Like how do you just stop? It's pretty hard because you feel that each moment you're not working or studying, someone without a life is outcompeting you (some are actually spending their month off on a preceptorship, sheesh), which is my experience with many of my classmates, who studied for the Step 1 before medical school even started, people who studied anatomy during breaks to get a leg up.
Tangentially, a funny thing is how a lot of my classmates call each other gunners, but the one doing the name calling is working in laboratory or spending their summer in a lab. Other than that my classmates are pretty alright.
I don't study obsessively and I'm not obsessed with being a doctor. What I do love is what a doctor does, not the status or what people think of that. A lot of my classmates are like that and sometimes I wish I had the obsession they did because it would mean I would study as much as them and study as well as they do. Oh well.
Part of me thinks this getting overwhelmed with information will settle down at some point (probably after medical school), and I look forward to that, though I think it'll get replaced by medical emergencies and how good your skills are. I'd just like a better balance in my life, or rather, knowing when I can take that time off and not feel guilty or feel like I'm getting more behind.
Relationships:
A lot of my classmate are dating each other and a handful are married and I guess I think about it from time to time. Part of me says "Don't do it, it'll just be a distraction. They won't understand your schedule and responsibilities, and they'll either be needy or it will not work out because you're too busy." Another part of me says "Well, if you don't learn to balance it now, when will you? Are you just going to be a hermetic workaholic all the time? Tsk." I think I'll probably wait when things are more stable and when I'm done with the super important rotations I have to ace and the Step 1 and all that. If I find someone, I hope she likes me for the broke, indebted, not-quite-strapping young chap I am, hah. I've dated a lot of girls and with so many classmates getting together or marrying, I sort of think about all the times I held hands and shared meaningful glances with different girls, and all the times I unwillingly did yoga with them or did fun things like play tennis together, etc. I feel that as much as I try to resist it, there's that animal part of us that is happy with a mate. Someday, I guess.
Music:
The hippie love-everything part of me says that the world would be a better place if everyone played a musical instrument regularly, or knew how to express themselves properly. One of my favourite musicians is John Darnielle of the Mountain Goats, you should really check out The Sunset Tree and Get Lonely, as litmus test albums. He's the most expressive and honest musician I've listened to, and his music is a big part of my life.
Sleep:Well, writing sure helps me organise all of my thoughts and get them out there and I'll probably be going to sleep soon like a normal person. This next year sure is going to be a whirlwind with so much going on and I'm going to do my best to keep up with all of my outside interests and people I love. I'm really satisfied with how well I've managed to keep up with all my hobbies when I look back on it, and I hope a lot of people in my field can say that. Photography is a quick and easy way to capture your surroundings in a meaningful way and I'll keep that up, but I hope I can have as much time as I want with my more time-intensive creative pursuits.
I can't wait to see my good friends among my classmates when school starts again, they're a great bunch and make the whole wringer bearable and even enjoyable.
Thanks for reading.
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