originally wrote a long entry but deleted it just now.  kind of pulling myself back together.  its weird not being a trainee anymore.  it's a lot of adjustment.  more tired than I was before, but some aspects are better.

i wanted to thank everyone who left comments of support on this blog.  i have nothing positive to say about those who had nothing constructive or supportive to say.  maybe those people will find happiness and stop being like that. 

thought about shutting down here, but maybe there are others who will be struggling and they need to know someone like me can get through it.

Going to arrange my time off to be 2 weeks straight or more. That way I guess I don't get into leave of absence problems

About to drive home. Have vacation starting soon. Thought a lot about just taking my dog in my car and never coming back. Never feel rested or better after time off. Probably made a mistake with my life. Maybe it's the place. Maybe it's the specialty.  Weighing options. I know I do want to be somewhere different.  Thanks for reading

This almost feels like having an illness that will be with me forever.  Concerned about telling anyone because of potential professional consequences.  Wish I could talk to some people and find out how they got through things i

This almost feels like having an illness that will be with me forever.  Concerned about telling anyone because of potential professional consequences.  Wish I could talk to some people and find out how they got through things i

Feel empty and tired.  I don't think I'm who I used to be anymore.  I see all these blog entries and interviews by doctors and they seem so happy. I don't know how they can truly be happy when everything you do is evaluated for some kind of metric.  I feel that if I stay in medicine I'm going to become some replaceable worker managed by people who aren't doctors.  They'll just care about length of stay and press ganey scores and just be harsher to us.  I remember someone telling me about a doctor who was let go by a hospital because he was discharging them appropriately and not keeping them for longer like his peers so the hospital could bill more. 

Medicine isn't what I thought it'd be and i think about walking away from it a lot. I'm sure I could figure out a way to pay off my loans somehow. 

Lately I've been feeling like some dried out husk. I don't have any interest in people, food, water, music, cars, or traveling anymore.  Not sure how I'm supposed to feel better.  I just feel like some ragged undead "thing" going about life

Vacation but doesn't really feel like it. I'm more or less moved in. Left a lot of things pending just from my schedule. Not really feeling like myself. Just want to wake up and have it be 5 years from now.