A collection of thoughts

I'm trying to be strong but I don't think things are getting as easy as I want them to be within reason for this type of job.  I'm a better doctor now but the work environment  hasn't improved.

Some things might actually get better, though, because I have time off coming up.

I no longer worry about sleeping the day away on days off because each day leaves me feeling like an orange that has had all its juice squeezed out. 

I just like being in the dark by myself or with my dog next to me in silence or with music that makes me feel better because I'm  overstimulated on a daily basis.

I don't really feel a connection with my  peers at work because they never really say much to me in conversation. I guess they don't know what to say.

I feel like the blog readers connect with me better, for being strangers. Maybe people in person don't like to talk about their challenges.  I've had more support through my blog than I've had in person, maybe for that reason, maybe for some others.

Medicine has really taken a toll on me in ways I've been describing for months.  I don't know if the psychological or physical toll has been the worst. I just know I've really been changed.  Often, I imagine looking through a window observing my past self, younger and with actual balance between work and life.  I had night shifts but they weren't as long or intense as what I have now. 

So far, I'd say things are somewhat more of a bad dream than a nightmare, for reasons I can describe later.  Maybe things will just become like a neutral dream. 

Someone once told me regarding residency "They can abuse you all they want, but remember it's just temporary."

Seems like a very long time ahead of me, but I think I just need to take things a week or a month at a time depending on how exhausting and trying things get.

I need to continue to write so people can know what being a doctor is like, and that many of us have a difficult time.  I never thought medicine would be easy, but I never thought there'd be so many things like personalities and administrative things that would wear me out even more on top of the work related stress.

Thank you for reading