Thank you for your readership, despite many of my entries having a shadow cast over them by sorrow and a longing for meaning and fulfillment.
I'm a person with a void who works inordinate hours in an attempt to distract myself from my partial emptiness. I feel uncomfortable when I'm not working, maybe because I need the distraction and because I think work will lead me to some kind of persistent happiness.
Work just grinds me into dust sometimes and drains me. I try to think it through and tell myself things will be different and more rewarding when I'm an actual surgeon operating and tangibly affecting lives rather than being just an errand-running medical student overlooked and underappreciated.
I think a lot about what residency will be like and being responsible for human life and the education of medical students who are in the physician and surgeon producing machine. I'm afraid and excited, because the responsibility will be great but I'll be able to impact the lives of patients and medical students since I'm particularly fond of teaching.
For now I just find myself everyday wishing I were happy and fulfilled, that I felt loved and appreciated and respected with potential seen in me. That I didn't spend so much time surrounded by people yet working in relative social isolation.
Hey you don't have to post this, but I think you should seriously check into religion. And while we're at it, check out my religion, the mormons :)
ReplyDeleteJust forget all your preconceptions and let some LDS missionaries talk to you on your day off for an hour. They'll probably give you a Book of Mormon and talk about prayer. If you're sincere about it I guarantee the feeling of emptiness you have will disappear. Go to mormon.org and iti should be fairly easy for you to request the missionaries to stop on by.
Seriously!
Hi there,
ReplyDeleteI've been following your blog for a while and you sound like you have a real passion for medicine-and the human aspects of it. I am sure this does not go unnoticed, and as you become more confident as a clinician, I know that you will develop the social skills you want. If I may offer some advice: deal with people only moment-to-moment. Make it your personal mission to go out of your way to be kind to *everyone* around you. Classmates, residents, nurses, patients, cafeteria staff and janitors. Greeting them with a smile, being interested in their stories, remembering their kids' names. You will find this takes more effort than you think when you're tired. But consider it like physical exercise: with persistence, you will become stronger, and confident in that personal mission. And believe me, the payoff will be that you are a beloved and respected doctor. My colleagues who have developed this persona are among the greatest physicians I know.
A blog you might appreciate (not mine!): www.gradydoctor.com
Blessings,
Mary
Hello there, everyone. I appreciate your readership. My blog started out as irrelevant mutterings several years ago and now, I'm surprised that so many visit, and that people are interested enough to comment.
ReplyDeleteSam: Thanks for your friendly, considerate comment. Religion is highly complex, I think it will take me a great while to really begin to understand it all.
Mary: Thanks for your comment and your compliments. Medicine is indeed exhausting, and so is connecting with everyone. I think that's just because I'm introverted. But it is also very tiring taking care of every patient's psychological aspect of disease, especially when they are actively dying at a young age, leaving spouses and children behind.
But what you said is actually something I've seen amongst the attendings that really are inspiring. Even though I'm a medical student and not given the time of day by just about everyone superior to me, there are some who take me seriously, let me do procedures, or just acknowledge me. It means a lot since they're leaders in their field.
I just find it hard to be shiny and joyful, when you're ignored, given the most undesirable non-educational tasks to perform, and what gets me by is my stoicism.
I'm working on it however, and I'm going to keep doing everything I can to be like those humanitarian surgeons I meet every now and then.
Thank you for your readership.
Although I'm not in medicine (I work in mental health), I really identify with what you are saying about working to fill the void, and how healthcare can be so isolating even with lots of people around. I'm also introverted. I am reading your blog as I am thinking about pursuing medical school... I am a "nontraditional" student in that I'm a nurse and have been out of school for 3 yrs (I also have 2 undergrad degrees..). I appreciate your honest description of your experiences as a med student and that you are so open on your blog!
ReplyDeleteHey there, Anonymous. I've recently returned to writing entries on here, so my reply is a bit late.
ReplyDeleteI think you express it so accurately and eloquently when you speak about feeling alone when surrounded by so many people in the hospital, patients and team members alike.
I've been learning to open up a bit and crack jokes here and there, tell stories, or share food with my team mates, or ask the people with more experience medical questions so they can teach, and we bond a bit.
I was a non-traditional applicant as well, so I know where you're coming from. I come from a research background, but wanted to do something where I could come into contact with people rather than cells, and impact lives. So far, so good, as exhausting as it can be emotionally and physically.
Thank you very much for your reading, if you have questions on the application process for medical school, let me know!