As I grapple with cynicism

Thank you for your readership, everyone.

Many might see my moments of cynicism on here.  I struggle with it, especially on long hospital days.  My cynicism is actually with the medical system, it's hierarchical nature, and how it can turn many excited students into overworked, stressed, aggressive, and unhealthy individuals.

What keeps me going and interested in medicine are many of the "human moments" I spend with my patients, even on the hematology/oncology service where I saw as many patients as the intern on a daily basis.  I saw new and old patients everyday, patients who struggling in every way imaginable.

While some aspects of medicine, like what drug to use and when, have become old hat, I realize that I still enjoy connecting with patients.

I read an article stating how becoming a patient and being hospitalized is already dehumanizing: you have tests run on you all the time, strangers come in abruptly to examine you, you fall unconscious under anaesthesia and have your body cut into by complete strangers, only to wake up disoriented and uncomfortable from the anaesthesia, and then a less than completely comfortable recovery in hospital.

I retain my sincere love for those who suffer, the troubled patients with multiple suicide attempts lingering in their memory like ghastly shadows, the families who sleep uncomfortably in the hospital room of their sick loved one with a grim prognosis.

I don't know where this warmth from my heart comes from at times.  Many times I feel like it shouldn't be there anymore, because of how much self- and medical system-imposed punishment I go through on a daily basis.

I remember one of my cancer patients who was nearing discharge.  I remember how happy they were to see me every early morning.  I remember explaining things to them and their family.  I remember how heavy the prognosis was for them.  I remember how the next day, after their prognosis, how happy they actually were, how liberated and at peace they felt.

I remember how much it touched me, and still does to this day.  It was on this month when I first grappled with the many faces of morbidity and death as someone training to be a healer, and learning about palliative care.

Just because a patient is near death, doesn't mean you failed.  We can't save everyone, we can't make everyone live forever.  But we can help them find peace.  We can let them feel they are not alone.  We can let them feel that we're just another human being who knows sorrow and joy.

It's my goal to remain a voice of humanism throughout my career, in all my interactions with patients and professionals.  It is a hope of mine that the meaningful entries of my blog get shared.

It is a hope of mine my meaningful writings impact someone's life, patients and professionals alike. In the end, all I ever want to accomplish is to alleviate just a little bit of someone's suffering.  And to see them smile again.