"heaven holds a place for those who pray."

I'm not a very religious person, I'll admit.  I prayed for a patient, in my own quiet, silent way, sort of in my head, during morning conference, for a patient with a recent diagnosis of cancer with distant metastases.

I staged my second patient today, and I can't even describe how I feel.  It's like someone turns off the lights and you're left in the dark.  There has to be some kind of law in the universe where terrible things happen to young, good people, especially ones with the most fulfilling lives.

I ran in later on to check on a different patient, just over something little, and they said "Thank you for being so kind to me."  Those words have been ringing in my head since I heard them.  What crushes me is that this wonderful, lively person is has a terrible chance of survival over the next year and a half.

Maybe this is less heavy on the actual doctors who write the orders for chemotherapy, I bet they feel like they're doing something, that they're helping.  As a medical student, you observe and are somewhat involved, but you don't really do much.

I admit I feel sad, when I think about all the numbers of previous and current cancer patients I'm following, and how I wish they could recover.  I'm having a hard time because I reject getting used to the presence of Death, I don't want to give up on my patients or feel like they're lost causes.  It's a difficult thing for me to explain.

At least my patients smile when they see me and tell me thank you, I actually haven't seen a patient who was terribly depressed and unresponsive.  I'm not sure if they're putting on a strong face and character or I'm actually making a difference, but I hope I am.

Seeing them smile or hearing them thank me is a warm little ember in the giant cavern of darkness in my heart that the presence of death and suffering makes me feel.

I'd like to thank everyone who has been reading my entries.  They have been full of sorrow and anguish since I began seeing cancer patients last week, but I use this blog as an outlet, I hope you understand, for both the dark and beautiful things in life.